


How The Light Gets In

by doctorhelena



Category: Agent Carter (TV), Captain America (Movies)
Genre: And some teasing by the Howling Commandos, Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Kissing, Michael Carter (mentioned) - Freeform, Steggy - Freeform, Wartime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:33:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24616108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doctorhelena/pseuds/doctorhelena
Summary: A moment of comfort, and advice from the departed. Also, kissing.
Relationships: Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers
Comments: 18
Kudos: 147





	How The Light Gets In

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rachlovesligers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachlovesligers/gifts).



> This is a reward fic for rachlovesligers, who not only is a fabulous fic writer, but also recently achieved an exercise goal: she can now run like Steve, just (I presume) slower. :) On your left!
> 
> The title is from “Anthem” by Leonard Cohen:
> 
> _Ring the bells that still can ring  
>  Forget your perfect offering  
> There is a crack in everything  
> That’s how the light gets in_

Steve found Peggy sitting on a rock at the edge of the camp, hugging her knees as she stared into the forest. He hesitated, because she’d quite obviously come here to be alone, but she was nearly impossible to sneak up on, and she'd turned her head before he could quietly back away. She’d obviously been crying, but she wiped away her tears and straightened her shoulders as he approached. “Has the intelligence come in from the OSS?”

Steve shook his head. “No. I just came to see if you were - are you all right?” She’d seemed a little low in spirits for the past few days, and irritable in a way that was unusual for her. He hadn’t seen her at all in the mess tent tonight, and when she hadn’t been in the command tent either, nor in the small tent that served her as both sleeping quarters and office, he’d made his excuses and gone searching for her.

“I’m fine,” she said, sounding considerably less convincing than she’d probably hoped. “It’s nothing.”

He took a cautious step closer. “It doesn’t seem like nothing.”

Peggy’s gaze dropped to her hands, clasped around the front of her knees. “It’s nothing I shouldn’t be perfectly used to by now,” she amended, a little stiffly.

Steve took a breath. “It looks like maybe you could use a friend.”

Peggy bit her lip and regarded him thoughtfully for a long moment, then scooted a bit sideways and patted the rock beside her. Steve sat down, their bodies unavoidably close on the narrow boulder, and hesitated for a split second before deciding in a fit of recklessness that there was really nowhere to put his left arm except around her shoulders. She didn’t seem to mind, leaning almost imperceptibly into him, setting his heart thumping in his chest.

They weren’t really alone, of course. The bustling camp was just on the other side of the supply tent and there were sentries further out guarding the perimeter, but the spot Peggy had found was out of the way and felt even more secluded than it was, somehow, like they were out in the hushed cathedral of the woods all by themselves.

“I've been - I've been thinking about my brother,” said Peggy, finally, in a voice so quiet Steve might not have been able to make it out if not for Erskine’s formula. “It was four years ago today that he was lost in action.” Steve’s heart squeezed in sudden, painful understanding as he watched her rub at an imaginary spot of dirt on her knee. “Four years is quite a long time, I know,” she said, “particularly during wartime, and I’ve lost so many people since, but I just - ”

Steve squeezed her shoulders. “But he was your brother,” he said, quietly.

“Yes,” she said, her eyes coming up to meet his, her voice thick with sudden anguish. She took a shaky breath and turned back to the forest. “And the worst of it is that sometimes, I can’t help but think that if I’d joined the SOE when he’d wanted me to, I might have somehow been able to save him.”

Steve brought his other arm around her and, without even thinking about it, bent down to kiss the top of her head. “Peggy, you can’t think that way.”

She turned to face him, eyes welling up again with tears. “Can’t I?” she demanded. “Steve, if you’d listened when Phillips tried to tell you there was nothing do be done about the 107th, Sergeant Barnes and all of the Howling Commandos would be dead now, or worse.”

Steve blinked at her. “I - ”

The corners of Peggy’s lips trembled. “It might very well be that there was nothing to be done in Michael’s case, but at least if I’d bloody _put myself in a position to try_ I would know I’d done everything I could.”

Steve looked at her helplessly as she closed her eyes and pressed her face into his chest. Her shoulders began to shake, and he rubbed slow circles into her back as she quietly dampened the front of his uniform jacket. “I’m sorry,” she said, finally, lifting her head and mopping at her eyes with the sleeve of her uniform.

“Don’t be,” he said. “Peggy, I - ” he took a breath. “I know you have to be more careful than the rest of us, to never act like any of this is getting to you. But we’re all human, and you sure as hell don’t have anything to prove to me. Or to any of the Howling Commandos, for that matter,” he added, after a moment. “They know you’re tough. Not one of ‘em would want to go up against you in a fight, and it’s not because they don’t want to hit a girl.”

She smiled faintly at that. “I suppose you’re right. Cowards, all of them.” She let out a slow breath and gazed back into the forest. “My brother always said that I was meant to fight.”

Steve’s arms were still around her, but she didn’t make any move to extract herself. The forest was dark and deep, dense with fir, spruce, pine, and larch, impenetrable in the twilight. “I didn’t know you had a brother.”

“I don’t, anymore,” she said in a choked voice, and then took a shaky breath. “I’m normally - I’m quite used to it, I assure you. I don’t know why I - ”

Steve squeezed her a bit tighter. “Hey.” He swallowed, his own voice suddenly threatening to break. “It doesn't matter how long it's been. My ma - it’s been almost eight years now, and sometimes I still just - ”

Peggy nodded slowly, then leaned her head on his shoulder again and reached up to lace her fingers tightly through his. They lapsed into silence, and he felt like they were sharing something profound, shouldering each other’s burdens and shifting them a bit, rendering them not exactly lighter, but a little easier to carry.

“You did join the SOE, though, didn’t you?” Steve asked, after a while.

Peggy nodded. “Yes.” She blew out a slow puff of air. “I suppose, even if I’d gone when Michael first wanted me to, I probably would still have been training in Scotland when it happened. But maybe - ” she sighed, and Steve squeezed her hand. She squeezed back, her fingers strong and warm in his.

“So - ” Steve started to ask, then faltered. Peggy had always understood perfectly why he’d risked arrest over and over again, trying to enlist at every recruiting station he could think of until somebody finally said yes.

“So, why did I refuse the first offer?” she asked, and he nodded.

Peggy sighed. “I don’t particularly like to talk about it.”

“You don’t have to,” Steve said immediately, but she shook her head.

“No. I think,” she gave him a look he couldn’t quite interpret, but that made his heart jolt a little in his chest again. “It’s something you should probably know.” She gently pulled her hand out of his and wrapped her arms around her knees again, staring out into the woods.

“I was, as you might imagine,” she said, “a somewhat unruly child - I was rather wild all through school, actually.” She smiled faintly, then sighed. “But, as I got older, I somehow allowed myself to be persuaded that the time had come to grow up. I’d been recruited as a codebreaker, and I suppose I’d convinced myself that was adventure enough. It _was_ essential war work, you know, and I worked with some lovely, brilliant people.” She sighed. “And then, of course, I - I was engaged to be married.”

Steve blinked at her, startled. “You were?”

Peggy nodded, her gaze still trained on the forest. “Yes. To a perfectly decent chap named Fred. My mother loved him. And I - thought I did too.” She let out a slow breath through her nose. “But I've realized since that I was never actually in love with him.” She turned her gaze to Steve, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. 

Peggy’s tongue darted out between her lips, and she didn't look away. “Fred was - still is, I suppose - with the Home Office. A safe, essential desk job.” The corner of her mouth turned up slightly, and she cleared her throat. “He always said that a quiet life was a privilege, and I suppose I’d spent a great deal of time convincing myself that I agreed. And so, when I was tapped for the SOE, I - I told them that I simply didn’t believe I was cut out for the field.”

Steve blinked at her again. “Really? But - Peggy, you - ”

Peggy smiled. “I know, it does sound rather ridiculous now, doesn’t it?” She shook her head. “Michael, my brother, knew me far better than that. He accused me of pretending to be someone I wasn’t, letting others convince me to settle for a life I didn’t actually want. We argued about it, but he was right of course.” The corner of her mouth trembled a little again. “I hadn’t known until then that it was he who’d recommended me for the SOE.”

Steve reached out to squeeze her shoulder. “I have to say, that sounds an awful lot like a speech someone I know gave me once, just when I’d almost resigned myself to a life as a dancing monkey in tights.” Peggy smiled at that.

“Yes, well, it was rather a good speech.” She blew out a puff of air. “I didn’t listen right away, of course. I was with my mother, trying on my wedding dress when - when the telegram arrived. And I knew, in that instant, that I could never marry Fred. Michael was right. I was always meant to fight.”

“I’m sorry I never got to meet him,” said Steve. “Your brother, I mean.”

Peggy smiled. “Yes. I think he would rather have approved of you.”

Their eyes met, and suddenly Steve was having trouble catching his breath again. 

“Although,” she added, her voice dropping considerably lower, her hand drifting slowly up to wrap firmly around his lapel, “he would also say we were both being bloody idiots, waiting for a day that might never come.” She swallowed. “Steve, I’ve wanted very badly to kiss you since you jumped on that grenade at Camp Lehigh.”

Steve cleared his throat. “I’ve wanted to kiss _you_ since you laid that jerk Hodge out flat my first day of boot camp.”

“Then what on earth are we waiting for?” she whispered, her face inches from his.

He didn’t answer, because kissing her, it turned out, was very, very distracting.

Their first kiss was short, chaste, almost reverent, leaving Steve's lips tingling and his breath caught in his throat, as they stared at each other. Then Peggy made a hungry little noise and pulled him closer, and oh. Oh, God. She kissed exactly like she fought, fierce and confident and brilliant, and when they pulled apart again they were both flushed and panting, and neither of them could stop smiling.

“Good God,” Peggy breathed. “Steve, do you think - ” but whatever she’d been about to ask was cut off as they both turned at the sound of approaching footsteps.

Bucky and Dum Dum rounded the corner of the supply tent and stopped abruptly, eyes wide. Dum Dum recovered first. “Oh, hey Cap, Peg,” he said, grinning.

Bucky was still blinking. “Oh my God, Steve.” He raised both of his eyebrows. “Is - is your hand up Carter’s skirt?”

“I’m certain I don’t know what you’re talking about, Barnes,” Peggy said, with dignity, as Steve hastily slid his hand down from where it had been resting on her thigh, just underneath her hem. He felt his ears turn red. “There’s nothing wrong with taking an off-duty moment to watch twilight fall over the forest in the company of a friend,” Peggy said.

“Nope,” agreed Dum Dum, still looking inordinately amused, “but I’ve gotta say Cap, that shade of lipstick really does nothing for you.”

Peggy hadn’t removed her hand from Steve’s lapel. “Are you gentlemen just out for a stroll, or is there a purpose to your visit?”

Bucky seemed to have recovered from his initial shock, and now his lips were twitching too. “Phillips said to let you know your intel came in, Carter. Although, you look a little busy.”

Peggy sighed and let go of Steve’s jacket, stretching her legs out in front of her. “Thank you, Barnes.” She pushed herself up from the rock and then turned to extend her hand to Steve so he could pull himself to his feet. Before she let go she ran her thumb gently along the soft pad between his thumb and index finger, sending a shiver all the way up his arm and down through his body.

“Can I help with the intel?” he asked her, his voice low and far more intimate than he’d intended.

Peggy smiled at him. “If you like.” She reached up and scrubbed at the corners of his mouth with her thumb, then reached into her pocket for her compact and lipstick and began to expertly repair the damage to her own, rather ravished-looking appearance. 

“Well, damn,” Bucky said to Dum Dum. “This means Stark wins the pool, doesn’t it?”

Dum Dum grinned. “Not if we don’t tell him, it doesn’t.”

Bucky snorted. “I’m gonna start a new bet with you on that one. I give these two half a day before someone else catches them. Look at the way they’re making goo-goo eyes at each other.”

“I dunno,” said Dum Dum, thoughtfully. “I think they’ve pretty much always looked at each other like that, haven’t they?”

Bucky considered. “Yeah, maybe.”

Peggy rolled her eyes, then pulled Steve down by his lapels and kissed him again, smiling against his lips at the immediate noises of protest from Bucky and Dum Dum. Steve grinned too, because this was exactly what Bucky’s sister Becca would have done. He wasn’t actually sure how he’d previously missed the signs that Peggy too, had grown up knowing exactly how to torment a brother.

After a moment Peggy pulled back and turned to the others with one eyebrow raised, the corners of her mouth betraying her amusement. “If that’s all, gentlemen, I’m off to see what the OSS has found for us this evening. Coming, darling?” She tucked her arm into Steve’s and they started off in the direction of the command tent, Steve grinning to himself at the thought of the looks on Bucky and Dum Dum's faces.

“You okay?” he asked Peggy carefully, once they were out of earshot, and she nodded soberly, although she was still a little pink-cheeked and breathless.

“Yes,” she said. “It’s been - ” she cleared her throat. “It’s been quite an evening, but I must say I’m feeling considerably more cheerful than I was when you first found me.” He squeezed her hand where it was resting on his bicep, and they walked together in easy, if somewhat charged silence for a few minutes. As they came up on the command tent, Peggy stopped and extracted her arm from his. “Well, I suppose duty calls.”

Steve sighed. “Yep. Might take quite a while too, if they’ve found what we were hoping they would.”

“Mmm,” Peggy agreed slowly, then nodded suddenly, as if she'd come to a decision. “On second thought, Captain Rogers,” she said, rather formally, “why don’t you wait here while I go in and get the files from Colonel Phillips?” Her voice was a little hoarse. “It’s getting rather late, and it could, as you say, take quite some time to get through everything. I think it might be better, on the whole, to work in the privacy of my own office, don’t you?”


End file.
